How to Keep People Far, Far Away from Your Website

Sand dunes, Death Valley

Step 1: Get domain name.

Step 2: Prepare for immediate success.  Think grandiose thoughts, like:

Buckle the fuck up people of Earth — this shit is happening.

Ooh, what’s happening???

Nothing…just, my NEW FUCKING WEBSITE!!!  *fist pump* *high kick* *jump spin* *crotch grab*

Step 3: Fantasize about staying humble when the hurricane of instant online fame inevitably slams into you.

Hmm, jeez, that’s a really good question: Did I think this would all happen so fastthat I would be sitting here next to Jay-Z and Beyoncé, decompressing after a yacht ride with Richard Branson, sipping champagne and answering questions from a New York Times reporter in a hot tub?

Not really, no.  I figured it would be good, but I never dreamed my website would be the answer to all the Internet’s prayers.

Step 4: Pick the “Ajaira theme” on WordPress.

Step 5: Make a crappy circular logo with black cursive writing on a white background.  Spend a ridiculous amount of time screwing around with this task (which will prove to be completely irrelevant later on).

Step 6: Write a few posts.  Pick random topics so as not to establish a niche or any discernible sense of what the website is, or will be, about.  Change the tone of the writing a lot (is it serious, is it supposed to be marginally funny?  Who knows!).  Shake things up.

Step 7: Check Google Analytics on an hourly basis.  It’s crucial to verify that there are, in fact, zero people viewing your site, in real-time.  At all times.

Step 8: Share posts on Reddit.  Watch them get downvoted.  Quickly delete them.  Stew in embarrassment for having tried to make random strangers look at your horrendous website.  Berate self:

This?  This is what I shared and thought people would like?  What a stupid idiot!!

Step 9: Sulk for 24-48 hours

Step 10: Question whether creating a website is “right” for you.

Step 11: Snap out of it.  Give self much-needed pep talk:

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Maybe it’s for the best that no one is visiting my site.  Who needs the pressure and aggravation?  This way I get to write about whatever I want without being beholden to some HUGE fan base with oppressive expectations.

Step 12: Sit back.  Relax.  Enjoy the online peace and quiet.  Your website is safe now — no one will find you here.


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