There’s a Woodpecker Jackhammering Away at the Back of My House Right Now And, to Be Honest, It’s Getting Annoying


I’m sitting here peacefully trying to compose another pure gold article for Gary (my #1 Internet fan — hey Gary) and I CAN’T CONCENTRATE!

But I know it’s not your fault.

I know YOU personally didn’t spend months training a wild woodpecker to do mildly evil, annoying things.

And you didn’t use your elite hacking skills to find out where I live.

And then you definitely didn’t buy a GPS-enabled drone capable of transporting this hypothetical terminator woodpecker directly into my backyard where it can ruthlessly jackhammer away at my house’s Hardie-board aluminum siding — siding that resonates like a mofo and sends piercing metallic sound waves reverberating throughout every single interior room, thus disrupting my morning writing routine and plunging me deep into a dark abyss of clinical-grade crankiness.

I mean, that doesn’t seem like something you would do, right?


Well good.

Well since that’s not what happened, it’s safe to say I’m dealing with a normal woodpecker then.

And so what’s the best way to get this run-of-the-mill woodpecker out there to stop demo’ing my house?

Luckily, I’ve spent the better part of an hour concocting a plan: I’m going to go outside and quietly sneak up behind the woodpecker with a can of compressed air.  Then I’m going to “push” his (or her) woodpecker body — with a continuous, non-lethal spray of air — toward my neighbor’s house.

My neighbor is older and more mature than I am.  He knows things.  And I think he’ll know exactly how to handle his new woodpecker problem.