I’m sitting here peacefully trying to compose another pure gold article for Gary (my #1 Internet fan — hey Gary) and I CAN’T CONCENTRATE!
But I know it’s not your fault.
I know YOU personally didn’t spend months training a wild woodpecker to do mildly evil, annoying things.
And you didn’t use your elite hacking skills to find out where I live.
And then you definitely didn’t buy a GPS-enabled drone capable of transporting this hypothetical terminator woodpecker directly into my backyard where it can ruthlessly jackhammer away at my house’s Hardie-board aluminum siding — siding that resonates like a mofo and sends piercing metallic sound waves reverberating throughout every single interior room, thus disrupting my morning writing routine and plunging me deep into a dark abyss of clinical-grade crankiness.
I mean, that doesn’t seem like something you would do, right?
Well since that’s not what happened, it’s safe to say I’m dealing with a normal woodpecker then.
And so what’s the best way to get this run-of-the-mill woodpecker out there to stop demo’ing my house?
Luckily, I’ve spent the better part of an hour concocting a plan: I’m going to go outside and quietly sneak up behind the woodpecker with a can of compressed air. Then I’m going to “push” his (or her) woodpecker body — with a continuous, non-lethal spray of air — toward my neighbor’s house.
My neighbor is older and more mature than I am. He knows things. And I think he’ll know exactly how to handle his new woodpecker problem.